I think I have written 8 blog drafts since my last entry, so I felt like I was communicating a little better than I was...*sheepish grin* This is actually pretty typical of my communication struggles in general...I've thought so much at people in my head, that it never occurs to me that they can't know it because it hasn't "been published".
So, here's what's up: Bud is fine, but probably not in charge of writing a book anymore. While we were working on the book, he often talked about things that had been sacrificed with his own family for this job...and it is with some joy that I watch him loosen up on what he felt a duty to do and focus on his family more. So, this leaves me with a gymnastics coaching job and many, many questions about what else I should be doing, either in the present or in the future. I moved into a new house in St. Paul at the beginning of December. I now live with two wonderful ladies, Angela and Theresa. Theresa is about my mom's age, a nurse practitioner in geriatrics, with her heart truly in organic farming. Angela is at a similar level of unemployment to me, and is a music teacher who is currently doing odd jobs and teaching music lessons in at least three locations around Minnesota.
Both of my housemates are of Bohemian ancestry, which is amusing because I'm about three quarters Bohemian--my mom's side of the family is 100%. When they found out I was Bohemian too, it was during our first meeting, and Angela asked, "Are you stubborn?" I smiled as innocently as possible.
I learned shortly after moving in that both ladies were Catholic, and both had wanted to become Sisters at one point in life. I think I walked around grinning a very silly grin at how awesome God is the day I found that out.
In general, I've been impressed by how safe I've felt in the new house. They managed to get me to play piano for them my first night there...and even somewhat unapologetically. By maybe the second week we had decided to do the evening prayer from the Liturgy of the Hours together whenever we could. Our schedules don't match up so well, but the times we have prayed together have been a blessing.
In the middle of all of this, I applied for an English teaching job in Japan, and then I didn't finish the application process. I'm finding myself extremely reluctant to teach English as a career, even for the sake of returning to Japan as a tent-making type missionary. I am longing for a job as a church-worker missionary. The struggle is that I can't do that through the ELCA. I've found a couple mission agencies that I love. They all involve fundraising. When I talked to one of them on the phone, they let me know that I could apply, but that I probably wasn't connected enough in the States for a fundraising mission job. They suggested I take a year or two and keep building a foundation of relationships, and maybe get a master's degree from a seminary or something in the meantime.
I find this insanely frustrating. And I've been surprised these past few weeks at how strong the longing to return to Japan and the mission field has been.
It seems almost amusing that anyone would think I am at a place of building stable foundations for anything. What I'm about to say might sound like whining, but it's really not. I more look at these events and can't help but chuckle at how ridiculous the current lack of stability is. I have a job...and then Bud has a stroke and that is gone. The state of Minnesota was supposed to send me a driver's license and never did (at least, they said it would be within 6 weeks...and it's been 10). My cell phone vanished in between my apartment and Haidee's house over Thanksgiving break when I wasn't using it. Because I have no Minnesota driver's license and they voided my Wyoming license, I wanted to bring my passport to the airport this Christmas. I searched for it for two hours, taking apart literally everything that I own, the night before I left...all that remains of my passport is the sneaking remnant of a memory of seeing it in my orange binder (I carried it around to make a copy of it when I was applying for the job in Japan). It is not in my orange binder, where it belongs, or in any of my belongings that I could find. Thankfully, they let me through airport security with a voided license.
Both of my housemates are also in a state of transition. Angela is applying for a job today, and if she gets it, she'll move out--but probably still see us some weekends. And as for Theresa, I don't really understand how she ever ended up living in the city in the first place. Her heart is quite obviously in the country. :-) She told me when I came back last night that her move out date might be earlier than summer, like she had been predicting. She might end up leaving the house in April. This doesn't particularly surprise me--and I'm happy for Theresa. She belongs on a farm growing her own vegetables and worshiping God through passionately caring for the earth that He's made. And despite the fact that my home is temporary, I still feel this complete certainty that I am where I belong living in this house.
So...I may have to laugh at anyone who implies that I should be building stability in the States right now. But this has been a season of seeing God's love in very tangible ways. Tokyo was not a place of relational wealth. I had dear, precious close friends there...all of whom lived across a huge city. It was a place where I lived alone and had to reach out very intentionally for every contact. Living with people who love me and whom I can love is healing in a way I can't express. Living in a place where I am enjoyed, but not needed and not a burden is freeing me to love and serve in ways I normally can't...I race outside on snowy days to try to be the one who shovels our driveway, and I can spend an hour outside with the snow grinning from ear to ear at the thought of Theresa and Angela coming home to find they don't have to shovel. I've yet to actually achieve that goal...the job is big enough that they usually come home and immediately come out and help me. But being able to shovel without feeling a trace of duty or guilty obligation is so wonderful.
So, that's the long story of what's been going on with me in my Minnesota life. I appreciate your prayers so much...my longing to get back to the mission field right now is really great. But whatever my emotions are up to, I want to follow God. Sorting out my own desires and what God is saying is trickier than normal right now, but I know from experience that His voice will come just in time...and probably not a moment sooner. I think the parable of the virgins waiting for the bridegroom and keeping their lamps lit is much what listening for God entails...I want to be there with my ears open, my lamp lit, when he comes and says it's time to move forward.
